One of the tools that are most widely used in our times is the “time-out” or thinking time. This method to stop an inappropriate behavior is similar to the old punishment of standing in a corner, or facing the wall, but it is done more respectfully and with a different objective.  

What is a time-out?

A time-out is the “time off” that is requested in some sports to regroup the team or strategize. This means the game is interrupted during this time. With children it is similar: the activity the child was engaged in is interrupted and he is asked to reflect on why it was inappropriate and is given time to redirect his behavior.  

Time-outs are effective because they isolate the child from whatever she was doing that was inappropriate and therefore it stops the behavior. For example, if the child has bitten or hit a friend or has grabbed a toy away from him, the time-out is an appropriate method of stopping that behavior and giving her the opportunity to avoid it in the future.

How to apply a time-out

A time-out can take place sitting on a chair, preferably of the child’s size, a stool, bench or any other place where your child can sit for a few minutes. It is important that the child is within your sight. Don’t send her to her room or a different part of the house. The ideal situation is to have a couple of places in the house that are only used for time-outs.

It is vital that the child knows why she is going to have a time-out and the consequences of the inappropriate behavior. If she hit or bit another child, even if your daughter is very young, you must explain in simple words and phrases that she hurt the other child.  

The rule for time-outs is one minute per year of the child’s age. A two-year old will have a two minute time-out, a three-year old three minutes, and so on. Use a kitchen timer so that the child will know when her time out is up.  

Time-outs for older children and pre-teens

Sitting on a chair with a timer may not be appropriate for older kids, especially pre-teens and teens. A very effective variation of the time-out for kids is “time to write”. The idea is to write a few sentences or a whole page about the reasons why his or her behavior is not appropriate and what the consequences are.

Writing gives them the opportunity to reflect, as they have to think what they are going to write about. You can use a clock or stopwatch, giving them enough time to write, or simply tell them to write a page.

Once the task is done, tell your child to read it to you out loud and then comment on the incident and how it can be avoided in the future. It is a good tool to correct inappropriate behavior that will also help your child express him or herself in writing.

Who hasn’t lost their temper at some point? When you have kids, losing your patience is quite normal, and sometimes you have to exert a lot of self-control. 

Self-control

Kids, preteens and teens can try your patience and exasperate you to the limit. Picture yourself picking up your kids at school after a day of hard work. On the way home, the kids are screaming, unbuckling their seat-belts or hitting each other. When you get home all you want is a little peace and quiet. You need to recoup because you still have to cook dinner and prepare things for the following day, or finish off some work. The kids are still yelling and running around, despite your warnings and pleadings. They end up knocking over a lamp and spilling milk on the work project you have to turn in the following day.  

In such a situation, the inner “barometer” of any parent probably increases as the hours go by, until it maxes out. At his point, during an emotional overload that tends to cloud your better judgment, it is very important to be able to exert self-control.  

If, when you were a child, these situations were dealt with at home by yelling or hitting that may be your instinctive reaction when you lose your temper. It is also quite likely that you will regret it later on. It is easy to read about positive discipline, but applying it when you are more than angry may not be so easy.  

Know your limits.

Pinpointing your “boiling point” and taking action before you reach that point is the most effective way to avoid a meltdown that will affect both you and your kids. Recall the times when you did reach your limit, and ask yourself how you got there and what triggered the storm. 

For instance, if you are irked by the fact that your kids dash madly around the house, risking hurting themselves or the smaller siblings, or breaking something, then try to nip it in the bud. Observe your kids when you pick them up from school, and as soon as you sense they are getting in the reckless mode, stop whatever you are doing and help them calm down, even if that means taking longer to get your work done.

If you are especially tired when you pick up your kids and they seem riled up, take them to the park. While they run around there instead of in the house, you can take a break on a park bench.  Afterwards, when it seems like they’ve burned that excess energy, take them out for pizza. The time you invest in them will help them calm down and when you all get home you are more likely to be able to work or do chores without interruptions, and especially without acting out in a way that you will later come to regret.  

Count to ten

This is the classic advice for when you feel your personal volcano is about to erupt. Even though taking deep breaths and trying to relax if you feel you are about to explode is always recommended, it is not always effective. In these cases, try to do another activity until you recover your serenity, for example:

• Give yourself a time-out. Go to your room, take a walk, a relaxing shower or do anything else that will help you disengage from what is going on.  

• Write in advance a short note to yourself that will help you remember how you will feel if you do something you will later regret.  

• If there is no way for you to escape the situation, wear headphones and listen to music to isolate yourself from the noise that is making you upset.

• Call a friend, a relative or your spouse, if he isn’t home with you, to vent. Besides listening to you, that person may be able to give you a fresh perspective as to how to deal with the situation.

Do anything that you know will prevent you from reaching your limit. If even then you end up yelling or lashing out, use the experience to learn what to do the next time in order to prevent it from happening again.    

However, if when you lose your temper you lose control to the point of hitting your children or humiliating them, you must seek professional help, to stop this kind of behavior before it is too late.

Kids, from their first years to adolescence, can try our patience to unimaginable limits. They do this because they are testing their boundaries and discovering what they can get away with.  Applying discipline in a positive and intelligent manner will help your kids not only know their limits but it will help you feel better about yourself as a parent, and prevent you from losing your temper.

What is positive discipline?

The idea behind this type of discipline is to teach children self-control and self-esteem, but based on respectful communication and involving the child in the learning process as so what kinds of behavior are acceptable and which aren’t.  

Punishment is the traditional method that has always been used so the child would learn something was wrong. Early in the last century, spanking was used to teach kids how to behave. Some families still believe in this kind of punishment.  Obviously spanking is not the same thing as giving a beating, but what this type of discipline teaches the child is that the parent is the stronger party. There is no learning what the mistake was and why it should not be repeated. Spanking just teaches kids to feel resentful and that hitting is acceptable.  

Positive discipline is intended to reinforce the proper behavior with prizes or praise and correcting bad behavior or mistakes in order to redirect the child towards the desired and acceptable behavior. In the application of positive discipline, the “consequences” are of utmost importance.

Consequences

A consequence is an event caused by an action. If you push a glass of water over the edge of the table, the consequence is that it will fall to the floor. The concept that our actions affect the people around us is the foundation of a healthy and solid education.

Instead of focusing on the punishment, positive discipline is based on consequences. If a child sits down before having picked up her room as she was asked to do, the consequence is that she will not have dinner until she tidies up her room. If she hasn’t done her homework, she will not be able to go out to play until she does it.

When it comes to applying consequences, it is important for these to be in proportion with the behavior shown. Grounding your child for a month because she didn’t wash her hands is not proportional. The more related the consequences are with the mistake she made, the more natural and logical the sense of the consequence.  If the child goes out to play after doing her homework, it is logical to expect she won’t be able to go out until she finishes it.

Establish your list of priorities

Every family has its own rules and what is considered acceptable for some is not acceptable for another. It is important that these rules are clear and consistent so that your kids know them beforehand, so they know what to expect. For example, if in your household there is no eating anywhere other than in the kitchen at the table, because you don’t want crumbs all over the place, you must make that very clear to your kids, as well as the consequence of not complying with this rule.  

Also keep in mind that you should pick your battles. If it is very important for you that your kids are dressed and ready when breakfast is served, so you aren’t rushed in the mornings, then you may have to relax about whether their room is perfectly tidy in the morning, or about letting them watch cartoons while they eat.

Always be consistent and don’t make exception to your rules. Otherwise, they will be less effective.  

Communication is vital

When your kids show unacceptable behavior, besides applying the logical consequence, have a conversation with them so they are able to explain why they did what they did. Sometimes, not having all the information or factors that you had not considered are the direct cause of the problem and not an outright wish to annoy you or do wrong.

Listen to your kids with a kind and open attitude, without condemning them or yelling at them. This will prompt them to continue opening up to you about their lives, problems and concerns. This communication is more vital as the preadolescent and adolescent years approach.

During the months that your baby is in your belly, you and your partner may have dreamt of the type of family you wanted to be: it is the natural process of parenting.  You may have wanted to raise your kids just like you were raised, or perhaps there were certain experiences of your childhood that you just don’t want to repeat with your own kids. Finding your parenting style is important so that both you and your child or children can enjoy the family experience.

Your own education and your kids´ education

Some couples feel that their own parents did such a great job raising them that they don’t know if they will be capable of doing the same with their own kids. But this attitude is usually the exception to the rule, because most of us want to do a better job than our parents did.  Modern theories on educating children from early on are very different to the parenting style that was common in our parents´ generation.   

When choosing your own parenting style, try not to react to your own parent’s style by going to the other extreme if you don’t like how you were raised. Some parents lived in a very strict household and they don’t want their kids to go through that, so they go to the other end of the spectrum when it comes to discipline.

Extremely strict discipline is by no means a good thing, but a lack of boundaries is just as bad. The best is to choose the good points of your own education, and apply them to your kids´ rearing.

Communicate with your spouse

Just as important as knowing what parenting style you want to implement, is that you and your partner are both on the same page. Your kids´ education will be much more effective if they see that mom and dad agree, than if they think they can go to one or the other depending on what they want.  

Differences in parenting styles are a common cause of conflict in couples. It is common to distribute roles in which one of the parents is the “bad” one or the “strict” one, and the other is the “good” one or the “lenient” one. This creates confusion and insecurity in the kids because these boundaries are not well-defined.  

Some of the parenting issues you should discuss with your partner are:  

• Discipline. Discuss the important rules in your home, such as curfews, times for meals, chores and homework, to name a few.  

• What to do when the rules are not followed. Establish the kind of punishment you will use at home in these cases and how to adapt it to the type of infraction. You can’t compare the child not wanting to eat his veggies with coming home late or hitting a sibling.

• Responsibilities. As your kids grow up, they can be responsible for some of the house chores. Establish which they will be and above all, teach them how to do the chores.

• Family time. How you are going to make time to spend together as a family and what activities you will enjoy together.   

Whether your parenting style is more disciplined or more relaxed, remember that your ultimate objective is to teach your child to be a self-sufficient and independent adult.