Kids, from their first years to adolescence, can try our patience to unimaginable limits. They do this because they are testing their boundaries and discovering what they can get away with.  Applying discipline in a positive and intelligent manner will help your kids not only know their limits but it will help you feel better about yourself as a parent, and prevent you from losing your temper.

What is positive discipline?

The idea behind this type of discipline is to teach children self-control and self-esteem, but based on respectful communication and involving the child in the learning process as so what kinds of behavior are acceptable and which aren’t.  

Punishment is the traditional method that has always been used so the child would learn something was wrong. Early in the last century, spanking was used to teach kids how to behave. Some families still believe in this kind of punishment.  Obviously spanking is not the same thing as giving a beating, but what this type of discipline teaches the child is that the parent is the stronger party. There is no learning what the mistake was and why it should not be repeated. Spanking just teaches kids to feel resentful and that hitting is acceptable.  

Positive discipline is intended to reinforce the proper behavior with prizes or praise and correcting bad behavior or mistakes in order to redirect the child towards the desired and acceptable behavior. In the application of positive discipline, the “consequences” are of utmost importance.

Consequences

A consequence is an event caused by an action. If you push a glass of water over the edge of the table, the consequence is that it will fall to the floor. The concept that our actions affect the people around us is the foundation of a healthy and solid education.

Instead of focusing on the punishment, positive discipline is based on consequences. If a child sits down before having picked up her room as she was asked to do, the consequence is that she will not have dinner until she tidies up her room. If she hasn’t done her homework, she will not be able to go out to play until she does it.

When it comes to applying consequences, it is important for these to be in proportion with the behavior shown. Grounding your child for a month because she didn’t wash her hands is not proportional. The more related the consequences are with the mistake she made, the more natural and logical the sense of the consequence.  If the child goes out to play after doing her homework, it is logical to expect she won’t be able to go out until she finishes it.

Establish your list of priorities

Every family has its own rules and what is considered acceptable for some is not acceptable for another. It is important that these rules are clear and consistent so that your kids know them beforehand, so they know what to expect. For example, if in your household there is no eating anywhere other than in the kitchen at the table, because you don’t want crumbs all over the place, you must make that very clear to your kids, as well as the consequence of not complying with this rule.  

Also keep in mind that you should pick your battles. If it is very important for you that your kids are dressed and ready when breakfast is served, so you aren’t rushed in the mornings, then you may have to relax about whether their room is perfectly tidy in the morning, or about letting them watch cartoons while they eat.

Always be consistent and don’t make exception to your rules. Otherwise, they will be less effective.  

Communication is vital

When your kids show unacceptable behavior, besides applying the logical consequence, have a conversation with them so they are able to explain why they did what they did. Sometimes, not having all the information or factors that you had not considered are the direct cause of the problem and not an outright wish to annoy you or do wrong.

Listen to your kids with a kind and open attitude, without condemning them or yelling at them. This will prompt them to continue opening up to you about their lives, problems and concerns. This communication is more vital as the preadolescent and adolescent years approach.